Effingham Daily News, Effingham, IL

November 16, 2012

I'm Bill Grimes, and I approve this message

Bill Grimes
Effingham Daily News

EFFINGHAM —     Barack Obama was re-elected president last week and I am glad.

    It’s tough trying to get a Kenyan Muslim Socialist elected president of a country with so many red-blooded patriotic Americans. People might have thought he lucked out in 2008, but we Democrats knew otherwise.

    Despite what Fox News shills Dick Morris and Karl Rove said before the election, we knew we had it in the bag. Trust me, we just knew.

    But it’s time for all good Democrats to take a break, to rest on our laurels. After all, we don’t care about actually GOVERNING anything. We just want to win elections, even when it seems like so many people hate the candidate at the top of the ticket.

    Ever since we were exposed as the party of pro-abortion scum who would let just about anybody get married, we realized we had to change our message.

    Or did we?

    Nah, we just took a page from the good old days of machine politicians like Dick Daley and Boss Tweed. Hey, when everybody hates your candidate, you have to go to Plan B, which consists of a variety of components, including finding empty houses in your area and making up imaginary people to not only “live” there, but vote.

    Since everybody knows that anybody with the least bit of sense voted for Mitt Romney, we cast Democratic ballots on behalf of our imaginary friends. Just because.

    When we run out of empty houses, we just start making up addresses for our imaginary friends. They, um, vote Democratic, too.

    Because we needed soooooo many imaginary friends with pretend addresses, we’re plumb tuckered out. We may be known nowadays for enabling laziness, but I’m here to tell you that illegally influencing an election is very hard work, and frankly, I need a break. So does my union thug son, who spent Election Day intimidating people at various polling places in southeastern Illinois. He’s glad to put away the brass knuckles until the next election cycle.

    Do you think Republicans are going to put aside their collective distaste for Mr. Obama and push to get something done?

    Do you think Mr. Obama is going to rubber-stamp the Boehner agenda, whatever that is?

    Do you REALLY think pigs fly?

    Again, we Democrats don’t care about actually GOVERNING. That’s why our guys in the Senate haven’t passed a budget since the Roosevelt administration. And, everybody knows that Mr. Obama spends more time playing basketball or golf than figuring out ways those exalted “job creators” can put everybody back to work with high-paying $8.25 per hour jobs.

    (Oops. Sorry about that. Was thinking about 1978 for some reason.)

    Gov. Romney made so many promises to the American public. But we fixed his wagon, by golly. It was a lot of work to go through all those foreign phone books to find all those imaginary friends, but it was worth it.

    You see, we don’t want America to be great. Fact is, we want everybody to make exactly the same amount of money as someone who picks up a disability check every month, at least after the incredibly high taxes that we wanna impose on you rich folk.

    Military greatness? What’s the point? Isn’t America going to become the western outpost for the inevitable worldwide Islamic caliphate sometime in the next generation?

    And you Republicans and your entitlement reform. Do you mean to say that people on welfare or disability have to choose between food, beer OR cigarettes? Pshaw!

    And, we’ve got that regulatory structure built in to stymie anybody who even THINKS about creating jobs. That’s because we want to lead everybody back to the Stone Age, when life expectancy was about 30 years.

    Hey, it’s better than using all that oil.

    I feel sorry for my conservative friends. Things were going soooooo well after the midterm elections of 2010, and it really seemed like the president was vulnerable.

    But we knew better. Really, we did.