Effingham Daily News, Effingham, IL

Features

November 16, 2012

I'm Bill Grimes, and I approve this message

EFFINGHAM —     Barack Obama was re-elected president last week and I am glad.

    It’s tough trying to get a Kenyan Muslim Socialist elected president of a country with so many red-blooded patriotic Americans. People might have thought he lucked out in 2008, but we Democrats knew otherwise.

    Despite what Fox News shills Dick Morris and Karl Rove said before the election, we knew we had it in the bag. Trust me, we just knew.

    But it’s time for all good Democrats to take a break, to rest on our laurels. After all, we don’t care about actually GOVERNING anything. We just want to win elections, even when it seems like so many people hate the candidate at the top of the ticket.

    Ever since we were exposed as the party of pro-abortion scum who would let just about anybody get married, we realized we had to change our message.

    Or did we?

    Nah, we just took a page from the good old days of machine politicians like Dick Daley and Boss Tweed. Hey, when everybody hates your candidate, you have to go to Plan B, which consists of a variety of components, including finding empty houses in your area and making up imaginary people to not only “live” there, but vote.

    Since everybody knows that anybody with the least bit of sense voted for Mitt Romney, we cast Democratic ballots on behalf of our imaginary friends. Just because.

    When we run out of empty houses, we just start making up addresses for our imaginary friends. They, um, vote Democratic, too.

    Because we needed soooooo many imaginary friends with pretend addresses, we’re plumb tuckered out. We may be known nowadays for enabling laziness, but I’m here to tell you that illegally influencing an election is very hard work, and frankly, I need a break. So does my union thug son, who spent Election Day intimidating people at various polling places in southeastern Illinois. He’s glad to put away the brass knuckles until the next election cycle.

    Do you think Republicans are going to put aside their collective distaste for Mr. Obama and push to get something done?

    Do you think Mr. Obama is going to rubber-stamp the Boehner agenda, whatever that is?

    Do you REALLY think pigs fly?

    Again, we Democrats don’t care about actually GOVERNING. That’s why our guys in the Senate haven’t passed a budget since the Roosevelt administration. And, everybody knows that Mr. Obama spends more time playing basketball or golf than figuring out ways those exalted “job creators” can put everybody back to work with high-paying $8.25 per hour jobs.

    (Oops. Sorry about that. Was thinking about 1978 for some reason.)

    Gov. Romney made so many promises to the American public. But we fixed his wagon, by golly. It was a lot of work to go through all those foreign phone books to find all those imaginary friends, but it was worth it.

    You see, we don’t want America to be great. Fact is, we want everybody to make exactly the same amount of money as someone who picks up a disability check every month, at least after the incredibly high taxes that we wanna impose on you rich folk.

    Military greatness? What’s the point? Isn’t America going to become the western outpost for the inevitable worldwide Islamic caliphate sometime in the next generation?

    And you Republicans and your entitlement reform. Do you mean to say that people on welfare or disability have to choose between food, beer OR cigarettes? Pshaw!

    And, we’ve got that regulatory structure built in to stymie anybody who even THINKS about creating jobs. That’s because we want to lead everybody back to the Stone Age, when life expectancy was about 30 years.

    Hey, it’s better than using all that oil.

    I feel sorry for my conservative friends. Things were going soooooo well after the midterm elections of 2010, and it really seemed like the president was vulnerable.

    But we knew better. Really, we did.

1
Text Only
Features
  • Doctors to rate cost effectiveness of expensive cancer drugs

    The world's largest organization of cancer doctors plans to rate the cost effectiveness of expensive oncology drugs, and will urge physicians to use the ratings to discuss the costs with their patients.

    April 17, 2014

  • treadmill-very-fast.jpg Tax deduction for a gym membership?

    April marks another tax season when millions of Americans will deduct expenses related to home ownership, children and education from their annual tax bill. These deductions exist because of their perceived value to society; they encourage behaviors that keep the wheels of the economy turning. So why shouldn't the tax code be revised to reward preventive health?

    April 16, 2014 1 Photo

  • To sleep well, you may need to adjust what you eat and when

    Sleep.  Oh, to sleep.  A good night's sleep is often a struggle for more than half of American adults.  And for occasional insomnia, there are good reasons to avoid using medications, whether over-the-counter or prescription.

    April 16, 2014

  • Why Facebook is getting into the banking game

    Who would want to use Facebook as a bank? That's the question that immediately arises from news that the social network intends to get into the electronic money business.

    April 14, 2014

  • DayCareCosts.jpg Day care's cost can exceed college tuition in some states

    Most parents will deal with an even larger kid-related expense long before college, and it's a cost that very few of them are as prepared for: day care.

    April 11, 2014 1 Photo

  • Boston doctors can now prescribe you a bike

    The City of Boston this week is rolling out a new program that's whimsically known as "Prescribe-a-Bike." Part medicine, part welfare, the initiative allows doctors at Boston Medical Center to write "prescriptions" for low-income patients to get yearlong memberships to Hubway, the city's bike-share system, for only $5.

    April 10, 2014

  • 10 tips for surviving a severe allergy season

    My colleague Brady Dennis reported recently that the arrival of warmer weather will soon unleash a pollen tsunami in parts of the country where the winter has been especially long and cold. Here are some survival tips from Clifford W. Bassett, an allergy specialist and assistant clinical professor of medicine at the New York University School of Medicine.

    April 9, 2014

  • Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 2.16.35 PM.png Are Americans smart to stop drinking diet sodas?

    Recent data from Beverage Digest suggest many are cutting back on diet sodas. Consumption of diet sodas fell more than that of sugary sodas in 2013. This raises two questions: Why is total consumption declining, and is drinking diet soda harmful to health?

    April 9, 2014 1 Photo

  • To get quality care, it helps to be the right kind of patient

    I am a family physician. Sometimes I must step out of the comfort of my clinical role and into that of patient or family caregiver. Generally, these trips to the other side of the exam table inspire a fair amount of anxiety.

    April 9, 2014

  • news_twitter.jpg Travelers fly on Air Twitter

    The enlightened age of social media has dawned over the airline industry, casting shadows over telephone call centers and on-site agents. Facebook and Twitter are racking up the friends and followers while the hold music plays on.

    April 8, 2014 1 Photo

AP Video
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.